Long Week

I have avoided posting something this week out of fear that it would be too negative. However, at the end of my work week, I have just accepted that this was a very tough week mentally. There has been a lot going on and I am just overwhelmed. Hence why I am looking forward to a blizzard this weekend that will force me to be home and spend some quality time with the boys.

I have been hesitant to mention anything about my biggest struggle right now, but I figure that with four followers I am fine!

I had to go to the doctor on Monday afternoon. By the time I got there I was freaking out. My heart was racing and my blood pressure was so out of whack! This was due to reason I was there. No, I am not pregnant. Sorry to disappoint.

About a week before Christmas I found a lump on the right side of my neck. James and I talked about it and decided to give it some time since I had not been feeling so well since before Thanksgiving. Well, here we are in February and it is still there. I hadn't really been worrying about it at all. Not until I finally realized that this was real enough for me to need my doctor to look at it. Then it all hit me. All the emotion and fear. I don't know that I have felt so confused in a long time. I kept telling myself that this is when great faith is supposed to rise up in me and beat down fear and irrational thoughts. It was basically all just fear and irrational thoughts! I felt more calm by the time my doctor came in. I love my doctor and actually enjoy going and seeing him. He makes it fun, if that is at all possible. So, he sits down and says "Why do you have a lump?" and then starts typing away on the computer and updating stuff and then half mumbles to himself "Ok, lets not be nervous here." Well, come to find out, he had Hodgkins disease in 2002. He is very young too. He tells me all about his experience of what happened to him, which explains his first response to me. This actually makes me feel much better and comfortable knowing I am in good hands (yes, I know I am in God's hands too!). We talk and talk and go through the list of other symptoms and I don't think I have any of them. He then feels the lump and finds another tiny itty bitty one on the left side of my neck that I had not felt yet. I was trying to stay calm. After the exam he tells me that he is not worried about me right now. The lumps are both very small and we need to give them some more time to watch how the either grow, shrink, or stay the same over the next month or two. He doesn't want to do any testing right now since he doesn't want me exposed to radiation from a cat-scan at this point. He tells me to just relax and take it easy and then see where we are in about two months. That was it. Bye Dr. Jones!

But, then the real struggle started. For one, I am not a patient person. So having to "Wait and Watch" is very hard for me. Then there is the feeling of disconnect from everyone around me. And then, randomly throughout the day I would become overwhelmed with very dark thoughts about all the "what ifs". The other night while I was running I really felt God's presence with me bringing me peace and faith. I am a fighter and no matter what happens, I know I can face it with God and my family and friends. But I know I need prayer and support in the next two months as we watch and pray together. I need encouragement to not succumb to doubt and frustration. And I need prayer for my body to work the way it is supposed to and to heal and function properly. I am eating pretty good and trying to cut out all processed foods. I am also exercising again after the holidays, so I actually feel pretty good all in all.

So friends, I ask that you love me during this time. Show me that love by praying for me when you think of me.